aurora_novarum: (Duct Tape)
[personal profile] aurora_novarum
Title: Dear SGC Advisor...
Authors: [personal profile] aurora_novarum & [personal profile] holdouttrout
Category: Humor; Gen; Classic Team Era
Word Count: 1600

Summary: With everything SG teams and staff encounter, who can they turn to and get some honest, practical advice?

Aurora's Author Note: This fic was inspired by a random joke-comment [personal profile] holdouttrout made in a chat that inspired my silly muse with a plot bunny. In revenge, I corralled her into helping me write it. No matter what she may say, we're equal partners (unless there's some screwup, then it's definitely my fault, heh).

No one remembered exactly when the SGC advice column started, but it soon became an anticipated event every month. Copies of the column were always found by the announcement board outside the mess area and quickly disappeared. The first few questions and answers were probably jokes, but after a couple of issues someone left a manila envelope on the bulletin board that was soon filled with various anonymous questions.

The envelope for submissions made the advice column more popular than ever. People spent days discussing the mystery of the identity of both the “Advisor” and the questioners (although some questioners were pretty obvious). The advice veered from the profound to the hilarious. Eventually someone compiled a list of favorite Q&A’s and put them on the shared server.

Team Leader: I have an interpersonal dilemma for you. My team and I are very close--not too close, but that's kinda the problem. Apparently there are rumors about us. I don't know why people would say these things, but they're completely false. How do I set the record straight?

SGC Advisor: It's hard when you're spending a lot of time in life threatening situations with your team, but on your downtime, it's good to spread your wings. You could plan events with other teams or mix up social outings with some of the staff (there's lots of nice people working here).

Casper: I've been having trouble lately staying alive. I mean, it's been mostly just brief heart stoppages. The occasional staff blast or hand device concussions. Sometimes an alien disease. Thankfully, none of the deaths seem to stick, but it really screws up my day when it happens. Any suggestions on how to prevent these constant annoyances?

SGC Advisor: First of all, if you see a dangerous alien whatsit, Jaffa, or Goa'uld… duck! You may also want to talk to an attorney about estate planning to ensure no one gives away your personal possessions until sufficient time has passed.

Tinkle Tinkle Little Star: On a recent mission, a freak accident switched me and a teammate of the opposite gender. They think they've got the problem fixed now, and we'll be going back to the planet soon. But... I need to use the facilities before then.

SGC Advisor: Perhaps your teammate is having the same angst. You're there for each other in life or death matters, a little normal bodily function shouldn't destroy you. And no matter which gender you are, the other side's bathroom isn't that scary.

UnoWho: So I'm told I work here and several of these people are my friends, but I don't really know any of them. I wish I did. But I really can't remember anything after waking up looking at some strange blue light in a lab.

SGC Advisor: Did you pay attention to the room number? If it was C-1742, then this has happened before. Don't panic. But you really should've told someone before this. The Advisor doesn't check this envelope every day, you know--okay, *you* probably don't know. On to your problem. Next time you see a blue light, don't look... well... okay the immediate next time you see a blue light, look into it. That'll probably reverse the effects. Talk to Bill Lee, unless you've been told your name *is* Bill Lee. Then talk to Chloe Furguson or Simon Coombs. And don't look into any more blue lights or take any wooden nickels.

Sad Smurf: I've finally got down time to spend with my girlfriend. But how do I explain why I'm blue? I don't mean depressed. I mean literally *blue*? (PSA: Don't ever walk off the path at the Stargate clearing on P8G-323).

SGC Advisor: Would she believe an allergic reaction to blueberries? Seriously, there's an oil extract kept in one of the labs that got rid of SG-14's zebra striped rash. You may want to check with Dr. Lee about that.

Not from around here How can I assimilate to the culture here? I don't mean here at the Mountain, but the planet. This isn't my original home. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be here, but I can't help but feeling lonely sometimes.

SGC Advisor Most of us here are from other places, but usually that means other areas of the country, not from the second star to the right and straight on till morning. That kind of strain would take its toll on anyone. But remember, you are not alone. You may be the only one from P9Z-XXX, but you may find a family amongst others in the same boat. Have you heard about the alien support group? It meets the second Tuesday of each month in the base library and was started by some other alien colleagues. You may be able to find solace in commiserating with others far from home.

Chapel Bells: During one of our recent off-world missions, two of my teammates ended up accidentally married. We didn't realize until several days after our return. We're not planning to return to the planet anytime. Can we just let sleeping dogs lie?

SGC Advisor: What happens on P4X-449 stays on P4X-449 (and its moon). But make sure you create a wedding registry if you ever happen to return.

Groundhog Day: I'm writing this in indelible ink so you'll get this question. I'm stuck reliving the same day over and over and over--and over again. How do I keep from going three fries short of a happy meal wonko?

SGC Advisor: I'm not sure indelible ink would get this to me, so it's safe to say the time loop is now fixed? However, if you're ever stuck in this situation again., I'd recommend taking the time to explore some new hobbies.

Pining: Why doesn't Major Carter like me?
SGC Advisor: Perhaps this is a simple miscommunication or misunderstanding. After all, Major Carter is one of the busiest people on base between her lab and field duties--although if this is Dr. Rodney McKay... it's not just Major Carter

Grass is Always Greener: I recently traveled to an different reality... and it was much nicer than this one. I had a family, and friends who cared about me, and I wasn't risking my life everyday. I knew I needed to come back, but now that I'm here I can't stop thinking about everything the Other Me has. I need a way to be happy with what I have, or to find a way back.

SGC Advisor: It sounds like you might need to get some perspective. I'd suggest you talk to MacKenzie, but I wouldn't, either. Request some downtime and spend some time thinking about what you want out of your life. Maybe this experience truly changed your priorities, or maybe you just need a few weeks of relaxing with a crappy novel and some powdery white sand to convince you that the “perfect life” is unutterably boring.

Thanks for the Top Secret Data: By the time you post this letter, I'll have gotten away, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to gloat. For months you've thought I was someone else. I've had (nearly) unlimited access to everything in your base, and no one suspected a thing! Mwa ha ha!

SGC Advisor: You would have gotten away with it, too, except there's a camera pointed right at this envelope. The real Major Davis wouldn't be caught dead putting a question in this envelope—he'd have someone else do it for him. Thanks to your own hubris (and my own attention to detail), we have you safely in our brig.

Smell no Evil I love my teammates, but I'm kind of sick of being around them. I don't know how to break it to them that I need some time away. We were stuck in a Goa'uld prison in very tight quarters. Plus during our escape we ran into giant skunk armadillos, and we've tried everything (even that alien oil goop) to get rid of the smell. They think it's mostly gone, but my nose must be more sensitive. I can't stand to be within ten feet of them. Or maybe it's just a mental thing after being in such close quarters with them for two weeks.

SGC Advisor It's perfectly understandable for you to request some down time from General Hammond. If you're worried about there being hard feelings, give your teammates a gift before leaving. I'd suggest something fruity from one of those lotion shops. It doesn't matter if you're an all male team. While you're there, get one for yourself. Trust me, you're no bed of roses either.

"I'm telling you," Jack said, "It's got to be Hammond."

"Mmm, I dunno," Daniel shook his head as he moved from his desk to the table where the rest of the team were gathered. "I've kinda wondered about someone in the infirmary. All the medical advice. And they know practically everyone for one reason or another."

"Exactly why it's got to be Hammond," Jack insisted. "He knows everyone, and what better way to let off steam he can't normally because of his command position? Plus, it's got to be someone with access to everywhere on base to know all the things the Advisor does."

Sam shook her head. "By that logic, sir, Daniel's theory also makes sense. For that matter, people in the top field team positions could also qualify. They can go everywhere on base. It could even be one of us."

There was a long silence for several moments as the members of SG-1 looked at each other with sudden suspicion.



Date: 2010-12-07 04:46 pm (UTC)
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