aurora_novarum: (bad day)
[personal profile] aurora_novarum
(I know, two fics within 24 hours! I'll hopefully stop spamming you. LOL)

Title: Trauma Confusion
Category:Gen. Crackfic
Main Characters: Classic SG-1, Janet Fraiser, Original Character
Genre: Humor
Warnings: probable butchering of medical authenticity
Rating: Family/G
Summary: Two accident victims enter the Colorado Springs emergency room with some strange symptoms.

Disclaimer: The characters and settings of Stargate: SG-1 are owned by MGM, Double Secret Productions, Sci-Fi, and a host of others who are not me. No money is sought or exchanged in this fan work, nor is it intended to infringe on their rightful copyright or trademarks. Merely an homage.

Author's Notes: This was "supposed" to be a comment crack fic based on discussion in this Canon v. Fanon post about how many times SG teams would be pricked from all the pre and post mission bloodwork. As usual, my muse was too longwinded and less cracky for commentfic, but at least it makes a birthday fic for [livejournal.com profile] sg_fignewton. Happy birthday, fig! Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] abyssinia4077 for giving it a looksee. Since my medical knowledge is as either a patient or from watching ER, I make no claims of medical authenticity. LOL



The paramedics burst into the emergency room with their charges from the accident. The patients were a male and a female, both appeared to be in their mid to late thirties. Helmets and leather jackets had protected their upper bodies, but both were wearing jeans and the denim was torn to nothing. Lacerations and hematomas were readily apparent. The man's ankle was twisted, and the woman's arm obviously broken. Both were unconscious.

"Doctor...?"

Dr. Jacobs looked over at the nurse. She was pointing from where she had just cut the remains of the jacket off the woman. Several needle marks were visible on her arm. The doctor clucked in disappointment, and added a few more orders to the tox screen. The patient hadn't looked like a junkie from initial appearances, but the doctor, recently arrived at Colorado Springs, was learning quickly that you could never make assumptions in the emergency department. A quick check of the woman's companion revealed that he too had several marks.

Speaking of whom, he was starting to stir. "Sam...?"

"I'm Dr. Jacobs. Can you tell me your name?"

"Janet?"

"No, Jacobs," she corrected. "Do you remember what happened?"

He started mumbling something incoherently. His voice was slurred, and he spat out some blood. She tried to test his pupil reaction, but he batted her hand away sluggishly. A nurse had recovered his wallet that contained an id. "Daniel Jackson."

"Mr. Jackson. We need to give you some tests."

"No, I need to get to the Mountain. They're coming."

"Sir, you are in the hospital. There was an accident."

"No, no accident. Attack. Need to get to the Mountain. Sam?" He started looking around wildly, fighting to get to his friend.

"She's being worked on. Mr. Jackson, you have to remain calm." Jacobs ordered restraints. "Patient is disoriented. Possibly from trauma or a reaction to unknown narcotics."

"Sedative?" one of the aides asked.

"Not until we get the lab work back and know what's in his system already."

He was still speaking gibberish. "No, you don't understand. Need T.E.R's. Have to..."

Another nurse called over from where they were working on the unconscious woman. "Found a list of contact numbers with her id. Top one listed is no name, just a number."

"Probably her home. Try it first." Jacobs called back while they tried to keep the delusional male on the gurney. "Mr. Jackson, is there family we can contact for you? Can you understand me?"

An aide cursed in his native Mandarin when he couldn't find a spot amongst the collapsed veins in which to insert the iv. To Jacobs's surprise, Mr. Jackson answered the aide in his native tongue. The aide's jaw dropped. Jacobs ordered him to talk to the patient. They exchanged a few more words. He turned to Jacobs and shrugged. "He just keeps saying they're here, and they need to get Teelk and help the Mountain."

"Great, bilingual delusions," she muttered. "Mr. Jackson, you can't do anything until we help you. You and your friend are seriously hurt. Do you understand?" She enunciated each word clearly and tried to maintain eye contact.

Finally, he nodded. "Yes, but..."

"Good enough. The sooner we get the tests done, the sooner you can get out of here, okay?" At this point, she didn't care about the white lie. He was obviously not fully cognizant of things anyway.

To Jacobs's surprise, the labs came back showing no toxins or foreign chemicals in either patient's drug screen. Ultrasound showed no internal bleeding, but the man had a broken rib. He was given morphine for pain.

In the meantime, the woman had regained consciousness, but was just as disoriented as Mr. Jackson. "Have a foothold. Need to...Reynolds on duty."

Jacobs didn't want to know what kind of foothold they were having. "Ma'am? Can you understand me? I'm Dr. Jacobs. You were in an accident."

"Acci–No, it was...Need to... " The woman tried to get up but could barely hold her eyes open. Definitely a concussion with this one.

"Have you taken anything?"

The woman looked at her blankly. She pressed. "Drugs? What did you take?" She pointed at the markings on the woman's arm.

Her patient looked at her arm blankly. "Wha...no. Not drugs. Tests. Post...sion tests." She looked around, her gaze was sharper but her words were still mumbled. "This isn't the 'firmary."

"Tests?" The nurse who was trying to take the woman's vitals looked up in confusion. "But, both of them?"

Jacobs shrugged. "It could be any number of situations. Maybe a support group for a chronic condition?" But that wouldn't explain the clean tox screens, nor the delusions, which seemed more directed than a trauma considering how they shared them.

"Who is in charge here?" A small auburn haired woman strode through the trauma area like she owned the place, but Jacobs didn't recognize her as one of the hospital physicians.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but family can't be here."

"I'm Dr. Janet Fraiser. Doctor Jackson and Major Carter are under my care."

"'Doctor' Jackson? 'Major' Carter?" Jacobs was confused. She noticed two men following the woman, an older Caucasian and a large African-American. Both were peering over to the beds where her two motorcyclists were lying, but neither seemed to want to move past the diminutive medical doctor.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but we can't just release them to you."

"These papers say you can." The older gentleman handed her some very official forms.

"But we've just got them stable and..."

Dr. Fraiser smiled. "They're stable. Good. Teal'c, the medics can get them ready for transport."

The larger man gave a slight bow of his head and walked back towards the reception.

Teelk? Maybe the patients weren't spouting gibberish after all. "Look, we're trying to treat them, but they were talking about a danger and were very agitated. Do you know how..."

The older man raised his hand. "Sorry, classified."

"But it was just a motorcycle accident."

The man and woman exchanged cryptic looks. Dr. Jacobs huffed in frustration. "Can you at least explain these?" She pointed out the bruises on Mr...no, Dr. Jackson's arm.

The petite doctor exchanged looks with the older man. "Doctor Jackson and Major Carter are involved in a field study that requires a lot of bloodwork. It's nothing to be concerned about."

"But what they were saying..?"

The older man steered her into a corner before she knew what was happening. "What did they say?"

"It was...gibberish. A foothold and going to the mountain. There was no toxins that would account for these delusions, and the trauma wouldn't explain..." Jacobs paused and looked at the official government-stamped papers in her hand. 'Major' Carter. "You work at Cheyenne."

The older man looked at her with a blank expression.

The medical doctor whispered to her companion, "It's not showing up in the blood work." Noticing Jacobs overheard, she spoke up. "Like I said, they were involved in a field study. I'm sorry, I can't really tell you more. I need their records."

Dumbly, Jacobs pointed out the nurse's station at the far end. "But..."

The little doctor was already walking away with a confident stride. Meanwhile, some uniformed medics were detaching Dr. Jackson and Maj. Carter from the myriad of equipment and transferring them onto new gurneys. Maj. Carter tried to resist, but as soon as she saw the large African-American, she settled. Dr. Fraiser, carrying a bunch of printouts, was at her bedside before Jacobs realized it.

She overheard the doctor speaking. "Easy Sam, you've still got a nasty bump on your head. You're both going to be under the infirmary's care for a few days."

"But the..." Dr. Jackson started to speak, but was interrupted by the older man covering his mouth.

"We know, Daniel. It's all okay." He cast a surreptitious look at Dr. Jacobs before smiling back down at Dr. Jackson. He spoke lower, but Jacobs could make out the words anyway. "Reynolds's team and SG-8 are handling it. Got it? Everything's handled."

Perhaps it was the calm presence of their teammates, but both patients settled and stayed silent as they made their way out the door. Jacobs followed at a distance, still clutching the releases and trying to phrase a protest. She overheard the older man again.

"Nice save with the hospital staff, Doc. Too bad we don't have one of those devices like the Men in Black."

The larger man spoke then in a rich baritone. "You would prefer a device that could alter your memory, O'Neill?"

The older man paused for only a moment. "Good point." He looked back at Jacobs and gave a half wave. "Just as well."

That was the last she saw of them. She turned around and looked at her empty trauma beds and the last remaining bits of detritus. The military group had even replaced the containers for hazardous material while she had stood there stunned.

"This is worse than when there's a full moon," she muttered to herself.

She heard a voice chuckle behind her. It was the janitor, coming to clean the room before the next trauma came in. "You'll get used to it."

Jacobs paled. "This happens often?"

The janitor shrugged. "About every eight months or so. Locals have learned not to question what goes on in that mountain. It's a lot easier all the way around." He went back to mopping, whistling an off-key tune.

And here Jacobs had thought a smaller city hospital would be easier.

Fin.




ETA: "Trauma Confusion" has inspired [livejournal.com profile] linnet_101 to do Crack Cartoon Fic (with bonus sequel comment fic). Both are disturbingly funny.

Date: 2007-08-29 02:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beanpot.livejournal.com

Is it wrong I had the image of the Janitor from Scrubs as the Janitor in this story?

Love it.

Date: 2007-08-29 04:11 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
LOL. If you want to. Actually, I've had Martha Jones as my mental picture for Dr. Jacobs.

Date: 2007-08-29 06:18 pm (UTC)
ext_2207: (Default)
From: [identity profile] abyssinia4077.livejournal.com
Oh, I was DEFINITELY picturing the Janitor when I was betaing this - it sounds like him.

Date: 2007-08-29 04:26 pm (UTC)
ext_1941: (Default)
From: [identity profile] sg-fignewton.livejournal.com
SQUEEE!!!

Oh, I started giggling the moment I realized that Sam and Daniel had crashed on Sam's motorcycle!

Daniel talking to the nurse in Mandarin! Janet swooping in to terrorize the medical staff! Jack and Teal'c taking over, and you swiped at the stupid memory machine for me!!! ::hugs Aurora::

Foothold situation and T.E.R.s and ooooh, you have to feel sorry for the poor Dr. Jacobs, don't you? :)

Tiny typo, here: "But the..." D. Jackson started to speak

Just perfect, Aurora. Thank you for my lovely birthday present! :)

Date: 2007-08-29 04:55 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
Ack, typo! *Runs to fix.*

Of course it had to be on Sam's motorcycle. :-D

Aw, you're very welcome. It didn't turn out as short or as quirky as originally planned, but glad you're happy.

Happy birthday!!! :-)

*vbg*

Date: 2007-08-29 04:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kalquessa.livejournal.com
Heh. Very nice. It never occurred to me, but they certainly would have a lot of needle marks, wouldn't they? Next time I attempt a SG-1/House crossover, I shall have to bring that into play.

Date: 2007-08-29 04:58 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
Hee. Thanks. Yeah, that's where the discussion started, between pre and post mission checks, they'd be hit pretty often, wouldn't they?

*remembers my recent hospital stay with blood draws that left my left hand looking like Kermit after a bar fight*

That would be funny as a red herring in a House fic.

Date: 2007-08-29 04:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] redbyrd-sgfic.livejournal.com
Oh, cute! And now I want to know what season this is, and whether Jacobs is still around when things get still stranger (hallucinating giant bugs? Anyone?)

And the support group for traumatized citizens where they're reassured in whispers, "No, you're not crazy. *They* are."

Date: 2007-08-29 05:11 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
Hee, I hadn't really specified, had I? It's definitely Sam a major (because that's my favorite Sam rank) and with Daniel so not before S3 and not during Season 6.

That would be funny for poor Jacobs to have everyone presenting with the Seen and Unseen bugs.

I started realizing even as early as Season 2 with Matter of Time (Colorado in time dilation) and especially by Season 9, the citizens of Colorado Springs have to kind of be like Sunnydale of Buffy-verse. Support groups, indeed!

Date: 2007-08-29 04:57 pm (UTC)
aelfgyfu_mead: Aelfgyfu as a South Park-style cartoon (Default)
From: [personal profile] aelfgyfu_mead
Daniel on Sam's bike? Oh, that's a recipe for trouble!

One potential quibble: I would hope that they wouldn't have multiple needlemarks each time for tests; one prick for the needle, with the test tubes on the other end changed. They can easily get four or five test tubes' worth of blood from one needle stick; when you donate blood, they get two to five test tubes and a pint! But if they'd been on a few short missions over a few days, they'd have multiple punctures.

Good thing nothing odd showed up from Sam's time with Jolinar in her head! But I'm sure the local hospital doesn't test for naquada in the blood. : )

The janitor shrugged. "About every eight months or so."

Poor Dr. Jacobs!

Date: 2007-08-29 05:15 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
One potential quibble: I would hope that they wouldn't have multiple needlemarks each time for tests; one prick for the needle, with the test tubes on the other end changed.

True, but then again the discussion at fig's site mentioned there might be premission blood work to ensure nothing to infect other planets, and then there's post mission blood work, and then if for some reason they needed to double check and/or have done a lot of off-world work in a short span of time...

The naquadah is an error by me! Oops! LOL But, yeah, this hospital's naquadah testing machine was probably in the shop. ;-)

Date: 2007-08-29 06:20 pm (UTC)
ext_2207: (Default)
From: [identity profile] abyssinia4077.livejournal.com
Squee! You posted it! It's still awesome!

I still love the doctor's frustration at "bilingual delusions" (can you imagine if they'd had another language and started wondering how many this guy spoke?)

And Janet is still the bomb and Jack! and Teal'c! And Sam and Daniel's determination to keep going in spite of bad injuries (Ouch!) and Daniel is so never riding Sam's bike again.

Hee!

Date: 2007-08-29 08:40 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
Yeah, I thought a third language might be pushing it a bit.

Janet is always the bomb! Hee. You know, I just thought, I bet Sam is going to bitching about her motorcycle as soon as her headache quells long enough post-crisis.

Hee. Glad you enjoyed it. And thanks again for the look-see at it. :-D

Date: 2007-08-29 08:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] izhilzha.livejournal.com
Brilliant! I love outside perspectives on our team--they're just so weird, without knowing the backstory.

Date: 2007-08-29 08:36 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
They are totally weird without knowing the back story, aren't they? LOL. Glad you enjoyed it.

Date: 2007-08-29 09:42 pm (UTC)
paian: blank white (Default)
From: [personal profile] paian
Great, bilingual delusions -- lol!

This is so fun. Very glad you wrote. :-)

Date: 2007-08-30 01:15 am (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
Hee. Thanks so much.

Love the icon, btw.

Date: 2007-08-30 02:13 am (UTC)
paian: blank white (Default)
From: [personal profile] paian
I love this [livejournal.com profile] vardataurwen icon so much. I saved it ages ago but forgot I had it until I was trolling through saved-icons directories for more to upload to Insanejournal, and I was so happy to re-discover it that I ran right back here to clear room for it. :-)

Date: 2007-08-29 11:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] redbyrd-sgfic.livejournal.com
Hmm. Okay, these fics were posted about an hour and a half apart. So *looks at watch* another one should be due any minute. Right? Right?

(Spam us more! Really!)

Date: 2007-08-30 01:17 am (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
More like 12 hours! (Hmm, does the timestamp change when you edit typos? Because 90 minutes would be about right for that).

In any case. Ha ha. Don't hold your breath. :-) But glad you liked it.

Date: 2007-08-30 07:46 am (UTC)
ext_19622: (Default)
From: [identity profile] xfirefly9x.livejournal.com
Hee! Awesome! =D

Date: 2007-08-30 12:50 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
Hee. Thanks. :-)

Date: 2007-08-30 09:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crazedturkey.livejournal.com
Hah!

Poor Dr. Jacobs. I'd have been standing there going, "I don't care how many pieces of paper you have, mate. These are MY patients and they're staying HERE".

I like the outsiders perspective. Classic :)

Date: 2007-08-30 12:53 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
OMG, *you* read this?! You actually know...stuff...about medicine. ;-) Hee!

Yeah, I went with the stunned into inaction idea for Jacobs because otherwise...the fic would've been even LONGER (considering it started out as a comment fic...)

Yay for the poor outsiders!

*Very* glad you liked it.

Date: 2007-08-30 11:48 am (UTC)
ext_1836: (Default)
From: [identity profile] rigel-7.livejournal.com
hehee

I do love it when SG-1 and normal folk collide!

:D

Date: 2007-08-30 12:55 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
Hee hee. It makes for quite the combination, doesn't it?

Thanks. :-)

Date: 2007-08-30 03:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gunhilda.livejournal.com
Love it!

Date: 2007-08-30 07:07 pm (UTC)

Date: 2007-09-01 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lyore.livejournal.com
Brilliant, as usual!

Date: 2007-09-04 12:14 am (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
Aw, thank you so much!

Date: 2007-09-03 05:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sela21k.livejournal.com
You know that had to happen at least once!

Too funny! I loved it!

Loved the Crack!fic that went with it.

Date: 2007-09-04 12:19 am (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
LOL! Thanks so much. And yes, the crackfic was genius. :-)

Date: 2007-09-04 03:35 pm (UTC)
ext_1941: (Default)
From: [identity profile] sg-fignewton.livejournal.com
Whee! Told you I was reccing Original Character this month! Here (http://community.livejournal.com/stargateficrec/892792.html) ya go! :)

Date: 2007-09-04 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybirdness.livejournal.com
I can't figure how I didn't say how much I enjoyed this last week when you poted it and I caught it via linnet_101

but..let it be known....LOVED THIS!!!!!
they are so abnormal

Date: 2007-09-05 01:52 am (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
Aw, thanks so much for giving feedback. So glad you loved. And yes, they are abnormal...and we love them for it. :-D

Date: 2007-09-06 01:09 am (UTC)
rhianona: (Default)
From: [personal profile] rhianona
I like this look in what the residents of Colorado Springs might think if any of the team members actually went to the regular hospital. I like all the little things you put in here as well.

Date: 2007-09-06 01:26 am (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
Thank you so much for the feedback. Glad you enjoyed!

Date: 2007-10-19 06:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] numom1.livejournal.com
Excellent short story. I really liked Dr. Jacobs character and it's quite amusing how totally strange everything regarding SGC must be from a stranger's perspective. It's also interesting to note that Sam and Daniel's treatment outside of the SGC may not be accurate, what with people thinking they are delusional when they are not - could make for complications in treatments. Anyways, a short and cute story that makes for enjoyable reading! Thanks for sharing!

Date: 2007-10-20 01:49 am (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
Thank you! Yeah, I like considering the outsider perspective from time to time, and definitely will be a "different form of treatment" when not considering aliens. Thank you very much! :-)

Date: 2008-11-03 03:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] slamaina.livejournal.com
This was great. The outsiders perspective is a really good plot device. People would have to think that the SGC people were just whacked. I like Janet taking charge, the bilingual delusions, and the janitor. I also like you OC, Dr. Jacobs.

Slam

Date: 2008-11-03 02:49 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
I love outsider's perspective. And yeah, the SGC standard operating procedure is just whacked out. Glad you liked the story (and poor Dr. Jacobs).

Date: 2009-04-17 05:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] slamaina.livejournal.com
Today was a re-read favorites day.

Date: 2009-01-05 09:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] scifithinker.livejournal.com
I definitely enjoyed this story. I'll have to mine your master list for other precious fic-nuggets soon.

Date: 2009-01-05 09:47 pm (UTC)
ext_3557: annerb icon with scenes of all team variations, my OTP (Default)
From: [identity profile] aurora-novarum.livejournal.com
So glad you liked it! I hope you enjoy the other stories too.

Hmm. I actually wrote more with Dr. Jacobs as part of a meme thing here. (http://aurora-novarum.livejournal.com/42113.html#cutid2)

Re: Trauma Confusion

Date: 2009-06-25 03:33 pm (UTC)
cesy: "Cesy" - An old-fashioned quill and ink (Default)
From: [personal profile] cesy
This is great. I always wondered what would happen on the occasions when they ended up in an ordinary hospital.

Date: 2009-07-02 06:43 am (UTC)
amilyn: Ann Larimer's drawing of me pregnant in the cow jumper (Default)
From: [personal profile] amilyn
I LOVE this. Poor Sam and Daniel. Poor Mandarin-speaking aide. Poor Dr. Jacobs. Poor confused everyone.

And then Janet! And Jack and Teal'c as muscle!

And everything taken care of.

*happy*

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